Broken dreams- we all have them. Some people have more than others. I feel like I’ve had my share. This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. As I sat with my coworker the other day talking about some of our broken dreams, I couldn’t help but grieve. However, since that day there’s been a discontent in me. Maybe that happens because God wants us to keep our mind on heavenly things. Maybe God wants us to remember that heaven is our real home and this world will never completely make us content.
For me, it started as a nine-year-old girl when I saw my dad pushd my own mother to the floor. No child should have to see this. It’s forever a picture stitched in my mind. Why? Why did my suffering have to start so young? Why do you some kids not have to deal with a lot of suffering until they’re teenagers or adults? I don’t know. However I have seen God move in my life. He has taken the broken dreams and changed me through them. He has made me a leader. He has comforted me and sent others to comfort me through it all. Fast forward three more years. I was a.12-year-old girl when my dad left. I did not understand, but I knew he and my mom were not well together. I also know the pain of divorce from that point on. There’s a reason God hates divorce. He sees the brokenness it causes and the pain that it causes his kids. So therefore, I hate divorce as well. I do not hate the people. I just hate what divorce does to people, including myself.
It was then that my big depression began. I secluded myself. I was very quiet. I don’t believe to this day that’s how I’m supposed to be, but that is how I dealt with the tragedies of life.
Fast forward 10 years, as I married my first husband. I was scared the day of our wedding. I cried of uncertainty, Because I knew what my parents went through. However, I loved him with all my heart. Shortly after that I would see the pain that a broken marriage would bring me. It was a rocky three years, but I was committed. He did not feel the same. He had been planning to leave me for a year. Then I understood how easily people could cheat on their spouses because I was tempted myself. And I was just a young girl. But I remained faithful till the day that our divorce was final.
One day I went to revival and I was slain in the Spirit. As I lay there, a lady came by and prayed for me. She said that my heart was broken and he she was praying for healing of my heart. I knew just what she was talking about, for I felt it sometimes on a daily basis.
What did I do wrong? Why did another man leave me? Will God leave me to? What did I do deserve this? How is there hope for my future? Will anyone want me after this? Will I ever have kids? These are the kind of thoughts into my head on a normal basis.
The enemy used all my weaknesses and all my negative tapes against me. He still does sometimes. He knows our weaknesses. He knows what buttons to push to bring us down. But we must be strong. We must put on the armor of God – belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, Helmet of Salvation, feet fitted with the readiness of the gospel Of peace, sword of the spirit, and the shield of faith. Daily we must put on the armor of God. A year later I wanted to date. But God had other plans and showed me that I was not ready. It only took a few dates to realize this. So once again I was in the waiting mode, and I did not like it. But I’ll tell you one thing – God healed me in that time and I got incredibly close to the Abba father. And for that- I’m eternally grateful.
So at this point, I lost my parents marriage and my own marriage. Fast forward four years. I had been dating Josh for a year at this point. I was asked to leave a job that was my career. I was asked to leave a job that I worked eight long years for. It was a broken dream that I had dreamed of since I was a little girl. It hurt like heck! So once again, a broken dream.
Fast forward six years to the place that I am now. We haven’t been able to conceive a child. I’ve wanted one for 13 years. And now I must wait even longer. I know what God told me. I know what he’s told me to do and then That I will have a son at least. But again, I’m stuck in waiting mode. I’m here trusting in the Lord, waiting again because another dream has shattered.
See why I have a hard time dreaming? See why it hurts so bad every time? But I trust the Lord. I don’t understand. It feels like someone or something is against me. I want someone to blame, but maybe I am the one to blame. I do not know. But I do know one person I can blame for sure- that is the enemy. He uses yet another broken dream to try to convince me that God is not good. I don’t buy it. Yes, I hurt. Yes, it sucks. But it’s a broken world and it’s not God’s fault. He will use all this for good. It’s a matter of time. And so once again I say Lord have your way. I surrender. I trust you even when I don’t feel it. And I handover my wants and dreams. Please live through me and do something awesome with this broken girl. I long for heaven and I know this is not the end. I trust You.
I surrender all. Keep my eyes on heaven. Have Your way. I’m Yours.