Broken DREAms

Broken dreams- we all have them.  Some people have more than others. I feel like I’ve had my share.  This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. As I sat with my coworker the other day talking about some of our broken dreams, I couldn’t help but grieve. However, since that day there’s been a discontent in me. Maybe that happens because God wants us to keep our mind on heavenly things. Maybe God wants us to remember that heaven is our real home and this world will never completely make us content.

For me, it started as a nine-year-old girl when I saw my dad pushd my own mother to the floor. No child should have to see this. It’s forever a picture stitched in my mind. Why?  Why did my suffering have to start so young? Why do you some kids not have to deal with a lot of suffering until they’re teenagers or adults? I don’t know. However I have seen God move in my life. He has taken the broken dreams and changed me through them. He has made me a leader. He has comforted me and sent others to comfort me through it all.  Fast forward three more years. I was a.12-year-old girl when my dad left. I did not understand, but I knew he and my mom were not well together.  I also know the pain of divorce from that point on. There’s a reason God hates divorce. He sees the brokenness it causes and the pain that it causes his kids. So therefore, I hate divorce as well. I do not hate the people. I just hate what divorce does to people, including myself.

It was then that my big depression began. I secluded myself. I was very quiet. I don’t believe to this day that’s how I’m supposed to be, but that is how I dealt with the tragedies of life.

Fast forward 10 years, as I married my first husband. I was scared the day of our wedding. I cried of uncertainty, Because I knew what my parents went through. However, I loved him with all my heart. Shortly after that I would see the pain that a broken marriage would bring me. It was a rocky three years, but I was committed.  He did not feel the same. He had been planning to leave me for a year.  Then I understood how easily people could cheat on their spouses because I was tempted myself. And I was just a young girl. But I remained faithful till the day that our divorce was final.

One day I went to revival and I was slain in the Spirit. As I lay there, a lady came by and prayed for me. She said that my heart was broken and he she was praying for healing of my heart. I knew just what she was talking about, for I felt it sometimes on a daily basis.

What did I do wrong? Why did another man leave me? Will God leave me to? What did I do deserve this? How is there hope for my future? Will anyone want me after this? Will I ever have kids?   These are the kind of thoughts into my head on a normal basis.

The enemy used all my weaknesses and all my negative tapes against me. He still does sometimes. He knows our weaknesses. He knows what buttons to push to bring us down. But we must be strong. We must put on the armor of God – belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, Helmet of Salvation, feet fitted with the readiness of the gospel Of peace, sword of the spirit, and the shield of faith. Daily we must put on the armor of God.  A year later I wanted to date. But God had other plans and showed me that I was not ready. It only took a few dates to realize this. So once again I was in the waiting mode, and I did not like it. But I’ll tell you one thing – God healed me in that time and I got incredibly close to the Abba father. And for that- I’m eternally grateful.

So at this point, I lost my parents marriage and my own marriage. Fast forward four years. I had been dating Josh for a year at this point.  I was asked to leave a job that was my career. I was asked to leave a job that I worked eight long years for. It was a broken dream that I had dreamed of since I was a little girl. It hurt like heck! So once again, a broken dream.

Fast forward six years to the place that I am now. We haven’t been able to conceive a child. I’ve wanted one for 13 years. And now I must wait even longer. I know what God told me. I know what he’s told me to do and then That I will have a son at least. But again, I’m stuck in waiting mode.  I’m here trusting in the Lord, waiting again because another dream has shattered.

See why I have a hard time dreaming? See why it hurts so bad every time? But I trust the Lord. I don’t understand. It feels like someone or something is against me. I want someone to blame, but maybe I am the one to blame. I do not know. But I do know one person I can blame for sure- that is the enemy. He uses yet another broken dream to try to convince me that God is not good. I don’t buy it. Yes,  I hurt. Yes, it sucks. But it’s a broken world and it’s not God’s fault. He will use all this for good. It’s a matter of time. And so once again I say Lord have your way. I surrender. I trust you even when I don’t feel it. And I handover my wants and dreams. Please live through me and do something awesome with this broken girl. I long for heaven and I know this is not the end. I trust You.


I surrender all. Keep my eyes on heaven. Have Your way. I’m Yours.


Storms Draw me to Him

Storms. Some people like them. Some don’t. I’m talking about physical storms right now- weather. I like them if I’m home and they are not damaging to anyone or anything.

What about the storms of life? I don’t know anyone that says they like them. But I see a shift in my thinking. I’ve gotten so used to pain that when it’s not there, something seems wrong. Why? Because the pain draws me to the Lord. If I don’t feel intimate with God, I feel empty. He’s my one and Only- my Best Friend. Pain keeps me sitting at his feet and crying out for help. Without pain’s refining process, we’d be spoiled children, rebellious and wanting our way all the time. We’d doubt God a lot. We’d probably get to the point where we say (at least deep in our hearts): I’m good. I don’t need the Lord. I can do life by myself.

I was brought to Jesus as a little girl. And all the storms cemented my relationship with Him. When everyone else lets you down, He never will. And really, we are all gonna let each other down. We are human, spirit wrapped in flesh which is selfish and sinful. We want our way, our needs. We see our perspective and wants. We don’t always see others.

It’s similar to a marriage. The hardships can bring you closer or farther apart. You choose. The latter feels like death- like something inside you has died. It can seem utterly hopeless. But oh, when they bring you closer, there’s nothing like it. It’s the fellowship God meant us to have with him and others. It’s true love, acceptance, care, presence, intimacy… It’s what our hearts long for. A good friend of mine says conflict plus resolution equals intimacy.

I think of Romans 8:28- All things work together for the good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. All things. Even the most horrific. Even the most gut wrenching feelings or dealings of death and loss. And what’s His definition of “good”. He sees the big picture we can’t see. It may mean calling a young person home so they won’t drift from Him. To us; it’s painful, wrong,  and heartwrenching. But to Him, it’s a celebration that He hasn’t lost (eternally) His son or daughter. Or maybe it was to bring more people into His kingdom. Maybe it’s to wake up the church to see our time is short and life is fleeting. I’ve been to several funerals of young people and babies. Babies, who had little time to live. Young people who lived out 12 or 16 years only but lived it to the fullest. They impacted everyone around them for good. But we ask,”Why?”of course, I can’t tell you. I can’t grasp it. Who is to say but God. And you may never know til heaven. Will we trust an Almighty God who did not even spare His own Son, but gave Jesus willingly? Sacrificially. Heartbreakingly. Death in its highest sense- the cross- extreme physical and emotional pain, the leaving of his Father, the sin of all the world. I can’t even imagine that level of grief! Most of us probably would have passed from it in a few minutes.

You see it comes down to trust. Will you believe the enemy’s lies that Gods not good? That he’s holding out on you? That He’s taking away your fun? Or that- you’re too messed up to be accepted by the Creator? I refuse!!! I’ve tasted and seen the Lord is good- 36 years of it. Even in the most emotional, heartbreaking time, I trusted. I chose to trust. I chose to believe the Word Of God, against all hope. But I had a rich, spiritual foundation that will never fail. When I didn’t feel Him. When I questioned. When the enemy of my soul was doing his best to convince me I’d  messed up too much. That Gods grace for me had run out. Oh contrare! It never does friend. If it did, what’s the purpose of the cross? Oh no He never lets go!!! And that change in my thinking began because of a friends influence in my life. Never underestimate the power of believing friends, who lift you up and speak truth to you. They are life to you, a straight gift from God. They are someone with an outside perspective that can bring light to the situation. I don’t know how people live without these friends in their life. I probably would be dead right now without them in my life.

Pain has a refining virtue. It can make us so much like Jesus if we don’t get bitter. Relationship, all coming to Christ, and our character. That’s what the Father cares about most. But the Holy Spirit is so living, gentle, and near. He comforts and brings wisdom. He lightens the load. He carries us through the storm. We get through, only because of Him. That’s my Best Friend. He seesaw for hears the tears in the night and the cries of our heart. He doesn’t leave. He comes closer. That’s what a good friend does.

And I guarantee, people are watching your reaction in the storm. Do we wine and complain? Or Do we trust and hold on with faith (even mustard seed faith)? Look at Joseph, Job, Paul, Thomas, David… They’re lives were not easy but they were used greatly by God. Do we choose our comfort or our eternal crown in heaven? We can’t have both. We have to change our perspective about pain. We HAVE to TRUST GOD!

Proverbs 3:5-6- Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your Own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

No reasoning can make us understand Gods ways. His ways and thoughts are so much higher. I find it pitiful when people want to understand everything about life. Well, are you God? Do you have His mind and thoughts? Can you speak and bring heaven and earth into existence? In words of MCcauley Caulkin, “I don’t think so.” In fact I know so. I wore a shirt in high school that said this- There’s 2 sure things in life.1. There is a God. 2. You’re not Him.

He’s the reason I live and why I’m still here. Without Him I see no purpose. I see no meaning.

Fortune- it’s short lived. And it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. They try to fill that God void with money and things money can buy. The emptiness remains. And they try to fill with other things- drugs, sex, relationships, alcohol…No thank you. The treasures of earth don’t shine even .00000001 as much as knowing Him. The fame looks like a miserable way to live to me- no privacy, rumors…No thanks on that.

My pastor says, “You’re either just coming out of a storm or about to go into one.” It’s inevitable in this life. So we need a godly perspective on storms. In heaven there will be no more pain, tears, or heartache. And I live for that final day that I may hear,”Well done, good and faithful servant.”

Be faithful and reap the eternal reward. I promise- there will be nothing like it!! Nothing!

Total surrender

This subject is on my heart today- surrender.

It’s against our human nature.  Our human nature wants to call the shots. We want to make the plans. We want to be in control. What does that really mean?  Even when we call the shots, are we really in control?  No, we’re not. We never were and we never will be. But that’s OK. I am OK with that because I trust the Lord.  He’s for me and my good.

Who of us could rule the world? Who of us can answer everyone’s prayers in the perfect way in the perfect timing? How many of us can meet the needs of others and ourselves?  How many of us could balance all of heaven and earth? None.

Yes I am a planner. I get that from my father. Being a planner is good. It’s how God made me, but am I trying to control everything?  That’s the question we must ask ourselves. Are we here to do our will? Or are we here to do the Father’s will? Jesus said my food is to do the will of the father my Father in heaven.

An awesome minister, Todd White, says all that we are giving up is who were not supposed to be when we completely surrender to the Lord. That messed with me in a good way. I don’t want to be who I’m not supposed to be. I don’t want to do what I’m not supposed to do. I don’t want to waste time doing my thing and building my kingdom. I want to be all about the Fathers business. Why? Because it’s eternal and it’s right. And it’s all about Him anyways. And I want to show my love.

But how do we find that balance? We have to live here in this world until it’s our time to go. We have to make a living to provide for selves and our families. Theres certain responsibilities we must do as wives, husbands, so s, daughters, parents, friends, family…

Sometimes it all just gets confusing to me. Sometimes we make simple things hard. Sometimes we become doers much more than we are be-ers. I know . I’m guilty.

Help us Lord to do your will. Help us Lord to totally surrender to you daily,  hourly.  Help us be about your kingdom -your eternal kingdom. Not our own. Give us balance in every area. Give us growth in every area. Give us the courage to do whst you ask us to do and no more than that. We are yours. We are your clay. You are the Potter. Shape our hearts. Cleanse our minds. Take our confusion and give us wisdom. Bring us to the end of our plans and the beginning of yours. We love you. Amen.





What I’d tell my Younger Srlf- lessons learned

This was on my heart last night and I felt the need to share. These are Ten lessons I’ve learned the last 20 years. I’m sure there are many more but this is a start.

1. Forgive! Bitterness affects every area of you life. It doesn’t get back at the other person. It affects your life negatively. It affects your loved ones around you. No one likes to be around a bitter, negative person.

2. People and situations don’t define you. God does! God gave me a picture in my mind of a pretty painted picture. The creator is the one who painted it. But it’s owner at the time threw it away. Similarly, we are Gods own creation. He values us far above anything we can imagine. The Creator speaks the value – not others.

3. School drama won’t matter in a few years. Whether your popular or not, will not matter. Question should be- how did I treat others?

4. People make fun of others because of their own insecurity. Don’t take that on as identity. It will probably hurt because words hurt, but don’t internalize it.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Let no one tell you otherwise!

5. Beauty can be only skin deep. It’s not the most important thing. Girls, you are beautiful. You don’t have to go trying to change to look like the popular girl or the fake one in the magazine. We see the outward but you don’t see the turmoil they may have inside. I’ve known several really pretty women that are not very nice or they are full of insecurity. I’d rather be a person of integrity and treat people right. I’d rather feel good and look good on the inside. Proverbs 31- “Beauty is fleeting but the woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.”


6. Just because someone says it, does not make it true. As kids we are thrown into the world with sin, messiness, and family to support us. And some people don’t even have support. We don’t know things until we learn them. We don’t realize that words don’t have to define us. We don’t realize that what we tell ourselves has power. Reject the lies told you by others. Look into the Bible and see what God says. That’s all that matters anyway! (You’re His precious Son or daughter.) Thrn repeat the truths, to yourself, even if no one else is. The truth will set you free!

7. Be careful who you trust. Let people close but only those you’ve examined and prayed about. It’s a lonely place to be where we shut others out emotionally, for fear of getting hurt. I’ve Been There, done that. It only gives the devil space to work in our lives. We need each other. God told me once- You will get hurt. But you’ll always have me with you. And when God says always, He means it!

However we need to be very choosy with our inner circle. They influence us whether we realize it or not.


8. Feelings aren’t everything. Feelings come from thoughts. And actions come from thoughts and feelings. We can’t live by our feelings! Our Carnal selves cannot be trusted. And they will lead us to destruction. We must live by the Word of God. It’s not always easy but it’s the safest place to be.

9. Get right and close to God first. Put nothing or no one before Him. He’s a jealous God. Every good thing comes from Him. Relationships are a blessing when done right. God first. Family second. We all have needs. But no person can meet them all. There’s a God sized hole in all of us only He can fill. Don’t look for it in others. You’ll only be disappointed. Work on you- becoming whole and healthy. Then entertain thought of a relationship with that special someone.


10. Take care of your soul and heart. We all know if we have a Health issue we need to get help – maybe from a doctor. But what about our spirit and heart? Feed your soul with Gods word. Whichever “dog” you feed will get bigger. If you watch and read worldly bad things, you feed that dog. And self control becomes much harder. Negative, sinful thoughts become worse. But if you feed the spirit “dog”, you make that one bigger. You will find victory over sin and more joy. You will get the fruits of the spirit in your life. You live like Christ.

And this issue on counseling. We all need it. Even if you grew up with an almost perfect family, you have hurts. You have issues. I guarantee it. We all do. And that becomes the lens we use to look through the world. Counseling is very necessary. I have not felt much physical pain in my life but I’ve felt quite a bit of emotional. I’ve heard others with bad physical pain say emotional is worse. I don’t doubt it. Depression is a silent enemy that plagues so many. Just in the past year do I feel I’ve gotten emotions much better under control. Working through emotions is important. If you don’t it will start affecting your physical body. Everything is connected. See all the connections and be balanced.


I I hope this helped or encouraged you.

Youare loved!

You do matter.

And you don’t always have to learn the hard way.



My reflections on health

Good morning!

This is heavy on my heart today so here goes. Please know my heart in this. My desire is to help people with their health and wellness. It’s not to accuse. I myself have not taking care of my body. I’ve sown bad things for 15 years. To reverse this will take time. But at least I am on the journey. 🙂

We are taught to go to the doctor and get meds. Or we can take over the counter medicines. All the while we are not told that they are hurting our liver. We are not told all the side effects these “medicines” have. Now don’t get me wrong- I’m not saying ditch doctors. We need them. They are important. However we don’t need all the meds they want to put us on sometimes. I was told I have high something and I may need to take meds in a year or so. I don’t buy it.

Antibiotics- another thing I didn’t know til a year ago. They kill all bacteria – good and bad. We need our good bacteria! So getting on antibiotics should not be a common thing. And when you do need antibiotics, take lots of probiotic afterwards. A doctor I listened to said probiotics are one of the most important things we should take in a daily basis. Finally a doctor teaching the whole truth!

I’ve eaten terrible most of my life and sometimes have not exercised. It will take a toll. Because when we eat bad and don’t exercise, it affects our heart, liver, kidneys… Not only that, when we have contact with chemicals all the time, every day, it affects our health. Anything with fragrance has chemicals. Cleaning products, hair products, toiletries, soap…they all have chemicals.

No one before now has taught me about chemicals. I thought it was just radical groups trying to boycott certain products. No. They are real. That’s why the certain c word is on the rise. Just today my upline posted an article about 100 shampoos with a deadly chemical in them. That’s not ok. These chemicals are wreaking havoc on our bodies, immune systems, and reproductive systems…

The last year and a half I’ve learned more about my body and true health than ever before. Thank you Young Living and people not being afraid to share it.

We must be more proactive. We must support our systems.  Even if you’re young and feel good,  sow good seed now. Then you will reap a plentiful harvest later in your health.

Young Living came to me at a very pivotal time in my life. I had already done three other business and failed. I know I’m not a go-getter but I didn’t understand. Young Living is the only one that’s worked for me.

I was a waitress for 7 years and now have back pain. I get occasional headaches. My period used to be horrendous before Young Living. Im having less respiratory issues than before. (Chemicals cause these.) I’m slowly getting my home chemical free. And I was beginning to have more digestive issues before I found Young Living. All these issues have been helped. There’s no price tag for that! None.

Essential oils and good nutrition are Gods way of health. It’s just like anything else we want to do our way. His way is better! He’s God Almighty and He knows all! They are not for crazy people or new age people. They are for everyone.

Mom wilimg to risk you being mad at me because I’d rather tell you the truth, than not. Have I now become your enemy by telling the truth? I pray not. I do care. And that’s why I write this.

My eyes have been opened and I can not keep it to myself. Truth sets us free. May I speak only truth the rest of my days. I want my loved ones to be free and well. Truly. 💜💚

God bless.



I’ve done a lot of thinking on this topic. It is in suffering so many good things happen for us. We must “know His suffering to share in His glory.” I don’t know about you but I want His glory. I do -very much. No one likes to suffer but it’s so necessary in our walk with God. Without it, we would be spoiled, arrogant children. Discipline is necessary but so is suffering.

This battle of flesh vs. spirit is exhausting. How joyful will be the day when our fight with sin is over. Even now we have much reason to rejoice! Because Christ died and rose again for our sin. He suffered so much for us! How can we shrink back from suffering for Him?

In my own personal suffering I’ve learned many lessons. And I will tell them to you. It started as a little girl.

My first remembrance of pain was at eight years old. It was my birthday. I can’t tell you why, but I know I felt rejected by someone I loved. And so the rejection issue began.

Fast forward 4 years and my dad is leaving. My parents are separating. This was my first great heartbreak. It was no choice of mine but still very much affected me. This was also the middle school years where I really struggled with depression and fitting in. You wouldn’t believe it now but I was shy. It’s how I dealt with life back then. I seemed to deal with depression on a daily basis back then. School was my pride and joy. I made good grades and that’s nearly all I had, except Jesus of course. Suicide would cross my mind but I kept holding on. I knew the Author of Life. I trusted Him, at least to an extent. And I thought, “He died for me so I’ll live for Him.”

Most of my suffering back then was due to others choices, not mine. But I love how God uses ALL for the good of those who love Him. And I loved Him more than anything! Still do. Struggles continued through high school but JEsus was my hope and ever present friend.

My years 18-22 are what I call my fun years. I was a student, seeking the Lord. But also longing for a relationship, like most young girls my age. At 20, I thought I’d found Him. Little did I know that would bring my the most pain I’ve ever felt. Why? Because at 25, he left me. My first love (except the Lord)  and husband left- repeating what my Dad did. Now I really didnt trust men. I thought they’d all leave. I even wondered if the Lord would leave too.

Thank God for the friends in our lives that show us truth. They silence the fears and lies in our minds. I had one such friend and mentor back then. God said- “I’ve brought you this far. I’m not leaving now.” I cried tears of joy because if started to believe that is messed up too much- that God was finished with me. Oh contrary! The journey was just beginning.

In this suffering- the greatest I’ve ever know n; it’s the most I’ve ever leaned on God. For a year I didn’t even want to get out of bed. He has to get me up and to student teaching. He had to get me to my job. It’s then 4 angels came into my life. They let me stay with them. That spoke so much love to me!

I made it to graduation and I made it to the end of my divorce. But in that suffering, I saw the faithfulness of the Lord. I saw who I was, apart from a man. Ladies you must get this right first in your life. He raised me up as a leader, which I never saw coming. I’d always been a bit of a wallflower and a follower. Me! A leader?! It wax a new life. I felt like a new person but I still felt very broken. The Lord is near to the broken. He promises to heal our hearts – just don’t rush Him. If you haven’t noticed, Jesus works on a longer timetable.

I became a leader at the church with young adults. I became a home group pastor. I fell deeper in love with Him and His Word. I saw even more the importance of fellowship – true fellowship with believers.

Because the devil knows if he  can get you alone, he’s got you. Always, always don’t isolat       I had all the knowledge from learning in church, but I never til then had heart knowledge of who God was- and who I was in Him. What a divine revelation! It continues to this day. These two beliefs affect how we live. So if you find yourself in a storm today- Cry out to Jesus. Let Him show you His faithfulness. Hang on and trust Him. He’s got you- no matter what!

Trust that you will be changed to be more like Jesus in this suffering. You will be close to Him as long as you don’t grow bitter. Guard against bitterness with all your heart. Forgive daily and find joy again.

Know that He’s bringing a heart revelation to your life. Afterwards you will be even more like a tree planted by water, whose roots never fail. You will be refined, beautiful, and ready to used by the Father. You will truly know Him and there’s no greater joy. He is good. Perfect. Love itself. And you can trust the Lord. I promise.

Full of cares

Early this morning I lay in my bed full of cares. This world and its passions are fading away. I’m dismayed to bring a child into a world like this. Our forefathers would weep bitterly.

A few months ago, terrorists are killing Christians. Where has love gone?  Yesterday the Supreme Court ruled for same sex marriages to be legal in all states. It broke my heart. How can we be so set on our own way!

On one side, we have Christians condemning others for homosexuality. I don’t believe this is right. There is grace for them as well. None of us are perfect. We all sin. Romans – “For ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” None of us have the right to point fingers. None of us are God.

On the other side there’s homosexuals standing up for their beliefs. Believe what you want but don’t mess with Gods territory. Live how you want but don’t change society’s laws on marriage. Don’t mess with the holy sanctity of marriage. These people trying to be God will have their judgement. To them I say Believe in the Lord Jesus. That’s how you will have eternal life.

Salvation is simple. We make it complicated. The Word is clear in Romans 10:10. If you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from    the dead, you will be saved! Period. It takes confessing and believing. I’ve lived most of my life worrying about if people are going to heaven, it’s simple. Do they believe and confess?

It’s not our job to judge. It’s our job to love and speak truth.

They will answer for their sin. But if they believe in Jesus they are saved. They will lose their inheritance from the Father if they choose to live their own way on earth. I fear the Lord and I want all He has for me.

I do not Want to be so selfish and carnal that I choose to live outside what God wants. I want my life to count. I want to live by the Spirit- not the flesh. I want to go out with a bang. I want to know that I did His will in the end. I want to hear “Well done, good and faithful servant.” I live my life with this end on mind. Because no sin, person, comfort, stuff, belief…is worth losing that.

On that wonderful day when I crawl into the lap of the Lord and look into His eyes, I want no regrets.

Be blessed!

God is in control. He is bigger than all this. And He’s holding you. You can trust Him.



Romans 3:23; 6;23

romans 8:28

romans 8:18

proverbs 3:5-6